VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to this virtual space being curated for our reciprocal fulfillment and flourishing. Our vision at Lark’s Song is to courageously co-create a more fulfilled and flourishing world, so I periodically use this platform to share information that I believe is meaningful as we increase our well-being together. Today, I’d like to talk about reparenting ourselves. In order to do that, I’d like for us to get grounded into our bodies through our breath and then we’ll talk a bit about attachment, endogenous opioids, reparenting ourselves and finish up with a self-compassion break together.
We’ll breathe in through our nose for a count of 4, hold our breath for a count of 7, and exhale forcefully out of our mouth for a count of 8. This is a great breath for pain relief and focus. Inhaling…3, 2, 1. Hold…6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And exhale…7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Again….and one more time.
ATTACHMENT
Attachment theory was first explored by theorists John Bowlby and then expanded on in the 1970s by Mary Ainsworth and further expanded by many other social scientists, psychologists, scholars and practitioners after her. We can simplify attachment theory into how we answer one question.
QUESTION: Is the caregiver - accessible to me, responsive to me, and attentive to me?
If the answer is yes, then we develop an understanding that we are loved, a confidence in our sense of self, and feel a sense of security in the world around us. We experience relief and reward. This is called secure attachment.
If the answer is no, the we develop an understanding that love is deserved or earned based on something other than our own inherent worthiness to be loved, our sense of self becomes fragmented so that the parts that seem to take care of us best show up the most, and we feel disconnected and insecure in the world around us. We experience pain and threat to our sense of safety within and outside of ourselves. This is called insecure attachment and it can manifest in three different classifications - anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized.
Our secure or insecure attachment style impacts all of our relationships - our relationship with ourselves, our family of origin, our partners, others, and even our relationship with God/the Divine.
Some of the ways this shows up in adult relationships is being extremely worried about social bonds breaking (anxious-ambivalent attachment) and/or feeling uncomfortable depending on other people (avoidant attachment).
ENDOGENOUS OPIOIDS
Now let’s talk about opioids. Many of us have heard of synthetic opioids like morphine, heroin, codeine, opium, and others. Those synthetic opioids act on the same opioid systems in our bodies that endogenous opioids do.
Endogenous opioids are a classification of neurotransmitters that provide natural, innate pain relief. The endogenous opioid system is scattered through out our bodies in both our central and peripheral nervous systems. Endogenous just means having an internal cause or origin - basically, these are the natural opioids that our bodies are equipped with.
These naturally occurring opioids are actively engaged in many things - one of which is how our bodies and conscious minds process pain and another is modulating our mood and sense of well-being (these endogenous opioids, you’ve heard referred to as endorphins) - there are many other things as well but these are the two that I’d like to focus on for today’s purposes.
When we experience a painful event - many things happen in our nervous systems. One of those things is a release of endogenous opioids to manage, modulate and relieve that pain. This is true for physically painful stimuli as well as emotionally and psychologically painful stimuli. They play a critical role in modulating our response to social rejection and social acceptance as well as psychological distress.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, let’s take what we know about attachment and what we know about endogenous opioids and put those two things together to talk about reparenting.
REPARENTING
When we are experiencing positive social connection with our caregivers as children - caregivers that are accessible, attentive, and responsive - our neural pathways are developing in an adaptive and healthy way that increases our well-being across our entire lifetime.
If we experience negative social interaction with our caregivers as children - caregivers that are not accessible, attentive or responsive - then our neural pathways develop in a more maladaptive way that heavily relies on our pain relieving endogenous opioids for our preservation and survival.
If those negative interactions become recurring and traumatic, then we actually develop a habituated response to pain in which we create MORE pain for ourselves so that we can release more opioids. This manifests itself as excessive and addictive behaviors related to our appetites (food, drink, sex, etc.), substance dependence and relational and self-sabotage (think high-drama relationships, spiraling thoughts, and the like).
Leaving us feeling that love is deserved or earned based on something other than our own inherent worthiness to be loved, our sense of self becomes fragmented so that the parts that seem to take care of us best show up the most, and we feel disconnected and insecure in the world around us. We experience pain and threat to our sense of safety within and outside of ourselves.
This is one way to understand what is happening some of the things that might be occurring in you in times of distress - especially if you have endured recurring, childhood, collective, or systemic traumas that have threatened your sense of self and safety.
A beautiful and difficult thing about being an adult is taking personal responsibility for your self - regardless of what has been done or happened to you. The beautiful thing about that is we can reparent ourselves by becoming accessible, attentive, and responsive to ourselves. The difficult thing is that we need to be responsible for becoming accessible, attentive and responsive to ourselves - like constantly, all the time.
We have to be accessible to ourselves through rest and renewing practices even when its inconvenient; we have to become attentive to our thoughts, our emotions, our words, our energy, our beliefs, and our actions even when they are uncomfortable and show up as untrue, and we have to be responsive to our needs - this sometimes looks like removing ourselves from people, spaces, and routines that violently or habitually reject those needs being met.
So how will you choose to parent yourself today? What are some things that you can do to remind yourself that you are worthy of love just because you are here, that the wholeness of your self can seek security and invitation first in your own body and your own home and then beyond, and that feeling a sense of security and belonging as you move through the world is essential for your survival and flourishing.
Here are some suggestions: Practices that activate endogenous opioid release (that aren’t rooted in reactive pain relief) and soothe your nervous system by toning your vagus nerve.
- Social laughter
- Deep breathing
- Meditation and prayer
- Exercise
- Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique)
- Cold exposure (by splashing cold water on your face, taking a cold shower, or going for a walk in the cold…make sure you keep breathing)
- Making music or singing
- Dance parties (double points if they are with someone else)
- Gratitude visits
- Havening techniques or supportive touch
- Practicing self-compassion
(Some additional things to Google: Polyvagal Theory, Vagal toning, Emotional Freedom Technique, Havening techniques, Dr. Kristin Neff and self-compassion, interpersonal neurobiology, positive neuroplasticity)
Sometimes this is incredibly difficult to do on your own because as a human your body, mind, heart, spirit and soul were not designed to function in isolation or social withdrawal. This is why you might consider becoming a part of a support group or furthering your education in an area of passion or interest or hiring a licensed therapist or a professionally certified coach.
I’d like to end by leading us in a Self-Compassion Break before we go on our way today. Find a place on your body that is receptive and comforted by your touch.
Take deep breath and mindfully acknowledge that this is a moment of pain, heart-ache, and exhaustion…maybe it’s something else for you - acknowledge this moment within yourself now.
Next, we’ll acknowledge our common humanity by saying something like “I am not alone. While I may have never experienced these circumstances, I have experienced pain, heartache, and exhaustion and so have so many others around me.”
Finally, we’ll end our break with a blessing or act of self-kindness. Here is my blessing for us:
May my pain be transformed and may restoration make its home in me.
May your pain be transformed and may loving restoration make its home in you.
May our pain be transformed and may loving restoration make its home in us.